fLy/I BeLieVe I cAn fLy

 

mY cHiLdHoOd nEgLeCtEd

Reflecting on my childhood years where how neglected I was by my surrounding.

Being a single family where my father passed away when I was twelve. I grew up into my teenage and adulthood without a father figure. At the same time, my mom who is a single mom had to raise two children where my elder brother is at his most rebellious and the society called back that 'most not useful person', so she focused most of her time, attention and resources to my elder brother to lift him up.

On the other hand, where me myself being seen as the obedient child who consider do fine academically is put aside without any form of support especially emotional support for growth. Sometimes, I even I had absorb the chaos and emotions from my mom as she was struggling to survive. She has no other channel but me. Not my elder brother but me. Worst still, I was taking up the role like secondary lead of the family to take care of the household matters as my mom worked to earn the income.

So after so many years even until adulthood now, the same of treatment and support I still received from my mom still the same although my elder brother had so called become successful. When I still struggle to build myself well unlike others who might already had well career and relationship, I still don't receive much support or help from my mom. I struggled so much with my career and relationship that only I realised my inner childhood is crying for help so loudly and it collapsed my entire soul, mind and body system to function well as an adult.

Slowly I realised I need to stop tolerating to such treatment. It's because I knew I should not play victim anymore. I realised I need to have refusal no to keep carrying all these adult problems that I did not create. For years and decades, I am the child in such a toxic family that is expected to absorb the chaos, manage emotions I did not caused and grew up magically fix it all. But yeah, I had already became the villain, ungrateful , difficult and the problem one in my family's eye.

I should stop chasing for validation I am never going to get any more and start giving it to myself. Thus, breaking the cycle in the family through estrangement boundarie.

It's time to really keep reminding myself that "I Deserve Better!!!".

#empowerment #toxicfamily #breakthecycle

You will be sorely missed, my friend

Goodbye my friend,...

You will be sorely missed, my friend

Chee Kien

爱情， 友情

pRioRiTiSe yOuRseLf FiRsT To pRoTeCt ThAt ChiLd

Yes, as the title said so, pRioRiTiSe yOuRseLf FiRsT

I was always harsh on myself growing up.

Trying this childhood picture method to help myself acknowledge my self-worth or to make decision in life.

This picture is my one of my favourite childhood pictures. 

A good one to reinforce myself with this thought.

"I was once good too. I deserved happiness too just like this child deserved happiness."

Make decision not for yourself but for this child of yourself.

Not to put safety/happiness/needs of other people's (especially random people) > child of yourself.

Imagine yourself as that child to defend yourself.

So protect that child.

CK ^.^

A LonG FrOzEn HeArt~~~

It's been a while since I last blogged. Never thought this blog is not longer highlighting my journey of life,  but a place to relieve my thoughts and be myself here.

This thoughts of relieve began 3 years back when I had my longest semester break during my university years. Back then after a bad encounter in my second year, I knew in order to achieve my goal and what I want, I gotta stay focus. To stay focus, I decided to turn myself into a new leave. A person I thought I am gonna be for the rest of the life to strike for success. A person who locked and frozen his heart from having any feeling of pain and sorrow as to move on in life.

Soon with blessing by my side, I slowly getting close with other courses friends whom fill my heart with warmness,  kindness and happiness. I was touched to seen with my true eyes and feel with my fragile heart. 2 years of happiness past with a blink of an eye.

I am now living and working in Singapore. Where closest friends are not by my side physically. I did get a lot of mental support from them trough messages, but sometimes it is the loneliness is undeniably to be filled. The feeling of lonely eventually triggered my fragile heart and unfrozen the long frozen heart. The pain and sorrow slowly emerges out. This pain and sorrow is affecting towards my performance and focus on my work. I feel bad I once again let myself down and not able to find the energy to fight back. Each day and week I did keep fighting with my best positive energy but that energy doesn't seem last long.

Coming weeks and month gonna be a busy period at work. I am really worry if I could overcome such challenge of work with such condition of heart. Many advised by pampering myself with good food and outing with friends, I would feel better. It might help fill that emptiness for temporary as for me to go further. But deep down in me know that this way doesn't work for long run.

It is like in a situation whether I lift myself up or let go to drown myself in the deep blue sea~~~....

I still wonder~~~

CK @,@

ThOuGhT oF ThE dAy

Been long since I express my thoughts. <Thought of the day>:

Never expect people will know what you are thinking and not to guess others people thinking. What others think does not matter, it is how you think yourself. If you want others to know your thinking, you need express it out.~~~

CK

sUppOrT, Is aLL I NeeD!!!~~~

The week I started to struggle and lost in my work life, it is the week I consistently had support from all my loved ones. Support from my family, friends and coursemates. They are the one lifted me up when I was down.

It is just a simple word of encouragement and support>>> Jiayou!!!~~~,…that keeps me moving forward and overcome my fear, obstacles and challenges.

And thanks to this motivation phrase,..

 

It makes me not to give up easily when face challenges and remind myself why I started everything in the beginning at Singapore here. Is time for me to stand up strong and outshine who I was and who I am gonna be!!! ^.^V

I would to express my gratitude to all whom had supported me during this period. Your support is much appreciated!!!

With Love,
CK ^.^

LoSt MoMeNtS @,@!!!

I am lost again!!! @,@!!!

I am in a very lost moment ever since last 2 weeks, 10^th October. A date that marked 12 years since my dad had gone. Every year when this date approaching, I am totally lost and not knowing if what I had decided is right or wrong. What I had decided is really what I want. I wonder if I still had trauma over his leaving that make me to be more strong and independent rather be someone so dependent on others.

For past 2 weeks, I had been going through mental struggle of to leave or stay the challenge to my current condition. I had numerous breakdowns or even in depression mood during the night before sleep. I kept to myself, knowing my family and siblings will not understand what I really going through and why I feel to quit my current work.

Although I knew eventually I might able to go through such obstacle and challenge, but deep down in my heart, I knew that instinct of telling me to go for what I interest and passion in rather than forcing myself in a condition or environment which is I am so uncomfortable in. I somehow knew God and my dad trying to send message to me to overcome it and be stronger. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” right?

Still I will not give up trying what I want to venture in rather than sitting not doing anything to change my life I want it to be. I believe with determination and faith in my hand, I can shape my own life and story instead of others telling me what to do and to become!!! May luck be by my side and blessed be by God and dad,…

CK  @,@!!!

VIVA was over!!!

Finally had completed my VIVA (FYP Presentation) on Monday!!!

 

<A presentation that I long waited, eager and looking forward.>

 

I supposed to feel relief and relax after such critical presentation of mine in this final semester. But I kinda felt a bit down and disappointed. Guess luck was not by my side, so I feel not satisfied with my presentation performance. First, thanks to “magic” from coordinator that I need to present on first day (Monday) morning session. Secondly, on the day itself, my laptop was unable to connect to the projector, so I can’t use the new presentation software to present.  Then, with Monday Blue in the morning, the lecturers mood doesn’t seem so good with one panel is pregnant lecture. So here goes the “shooting” moment to the first 3 presenters from both lecturers whereas, me and my PSM-mate got slight “shooting” from the pregnant lecturer only after them. That moment I finished presenting, I felt like crap and break down although I did a video in the presentation doesn’t seem to be useful enough to handle the panel (pregnant lecture).

 

It took me 2 days to recover from the break down, but now I am ready for new challenge. I am ready to prepare myself for one final battle in my university life (My LAST FINAL Exam)!!!

 

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!!!

 

As saying,…..

P.S:

Anyhow, I would still express my greatest gratitude to my supervisor, Madam Wafty for her unconditional guidance and support throughout this 1 year of FYP period. Your kind attention is much appreciated also!!!

CK (志堅)

CoMe cLeAn

 

~tweety~

Just some how, I have the same faith like this ~tweety~ bird,...
 
*If you realised on its left leg*


CK ~.~

我寂寞寂寞就好

 

BaCk In BLUE!!!

seriously I felt so so terrible coming back to ump after so so long holiday with trip to overseas etc,….it is the MOST blue moment I ever had coming back to uni for the new sem,..i might be physically ready but not mentally,…"I AM NOT READY AT ALL!!!” especially when I gotta attend meeting after meeting just the day after I got back here,…though it’s been just 2 days i am back but i felt so tired and stress and I really feel like giving especially when I got to know some news from Darren about the chances of changing to other uni with Sem 1’s result,…my hope was there I thought I could, but it seems harder than what I thought it would be since need to consider with credit hour and the course structure,..thinking worst to worst I am gonna change back to utar for civil engineer as well as I won’t be feeling so lonely and homesick and also near my home,..a comfort zone for me to relax and study happily without any stress and worry cause things will always be alright when I am back home,…

I am so dilemma right now,..Thinking whether to quit this uni and start over again,…..what if there is no credit transfer to utar,…should I opt to change my course to actuarial science in utar instead since it was my original choice./plan of study,….i really really dunno what I should be doing now,..where to go,..what decision to make,…to quit or not,...hate all these feeling of hating the place I am studying right now, i never felt so misery in my life before and not forgetting with the super stress from the CNY committee unit,..esp when I am the Ketua Unit,..i really really can’t stand it anymore,..will I quit as a head will make me feel better and ease my burden away so I will have more time for myself to think whether I really suits here,..guess I am really not suitable being a head in such activity in the uni,…sigh, I felt so down and really have once of the intention of doing something hurting myself to release myself from these hard moment of my life!!!!,…"SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!”


CK ~.~

FiNaLLy LeT Go!!!

Yup!!! Finally after 2 and half months, the feelings are fading away and I no longer thinking of you. My life living behind the shadow is gone. I finally can ‘let go’ of everything including you. Fyi is right, no point keep waiting and suffer myself over a person.

A candle in front of my might be the brightest to me when I am holding it near me, but when I put it down with other candles, I couldn’t even differentiate which are the brightest anymore. It applies here as thinking that you are the only one in my life, the one that I love the most, but when I drop down all the feelings and thinking about you, I no longer recall anything special of you. Guess it’s true I do not love you that deep enough for me to be with you.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter anything anymore, as I decided to gain back my own life and search for my old identity back. The feeling of letting go something really good, and I am glad I did that before I am going back to uni. Last word for me to you,..

~Goodbye! ~

CK

aNoThEr pIeCe 4 U!!!

Actually wrote this quite sometime during the last class of TITAS, somehow stumble across it again when I was studying TITAS for tomorrow’s exam just now!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I watched you passing by,
My heartbeat stop,
I am breathless in front of you,
I am speechless in front of you.

Lots of words in my mind,
But none of then I could delivered to you,
Lots of things wandering in my mind,
But none of them would be happen.

I wish I could forget you,
To ease away my pain,
To ease away my suffering,
But if I could just do so

Every seconds thinking of you,
Makes me miss you even more
Every seconds not seeing you,
Makes my life even more miserable

It’s loneliness I felt without you,
It’s emptiness I felt without you,
However,
Your presence fills my emptiness,
Your presence fills my heart with warmness
Your presence gives me happiness

It’s you that affects me the most,
It’s you that affects my life the most,
But it’s you I truly found my most in both worlds
Because,..
Your happiness is my happiness,
Your sadness is also my sadness

It’s everything about you,
But,….
If I could just let you go,
And let you fade away,…..
~ck~

If I LeT U Go!!!

It’s funny, after so many times flow and back from or to ump, this is the first time I didn’t feel blue of coming back to ump,…ermm, maybe because I am just back for exam days and no more classes for weeks coming, that is why I felt relieve and free than before,….or maybe I was kinda busy the moment I stepped into ump, first I gotta attend a CNY committee meeting which apparently didn’t make it on time,..by the time I reached ump, the meeting was over,…and with some other stuffs I need to settle going from one house to another house finding my friends with stuffs, I barely have time to think about you,….

Is not that you aren’t important to me in my heart, but if I don’t keep myself busy doing a lot things I will be thinking of you all the time,…

thinking what you are doing, thinking how is everything going on with you,…just keep thinking,….it’s really suffering keep thinking about these,…

What’s even more funny, I thought coming back here would make me breathless and suffer even more, but somehow I feel so peaceful in both my heart and mind,…even my appetite is back too,..because of you, I lost my appetite but because of you, I gained my appetite back,...

I told a close friend of my, fyee that I am starting to ‘let go’,..indeed I am trying hard,…it’s just a beginning but I dunno if I can really do it,…. GREENERY>>>a fresh start, i hope,....!!!,…that’s what I been hoping for, a fresh start for myself and my feelings towards you,...maybe I treat you like a normal friend perhaps a close/special friend in my heart is easier for me though I am doing so all this while,…so guess this will makes me feel better rather than telling you the truth about my feelings to you that might ruin our friendship,..i dunno if I can stand on of losing another such valuable friendship to me,….

People might wonder what kind of guy of me, not even dare to confess my feelings to you,…what guts do I have when I have feelings to you but don’t even confess,…well the thing is, I guess I really not ready to get into a r’ship. I stumble across darren’s personal message which is really meaningful,….

在你嘗試了解其他人和盼望其他人明白你之前，先把你自己變成一個更好的人和了解你自己。

It’s true, if I not truly deeply understand myself, how I can understand you even more!!! I might know you well personality wise and maybe a bit of your inner self but, before knowing or understand you really deeply, guess I really need to know and understand myself well,..the long searching answer that still in a big ??? in my mind,…


missing you as always!!!,
CK

LoSt!!!

Study week of me in KL coming to an end, tomorrow I am going back to ump, a day earlier before the first paper in preparation physically, mentally and emotionally. 5 days had passed easily just like that once again without realizing.

I thought I will be able to clear off my mind not to think about you, I thought I will be more relax and a space for myself to breathe here but it seems like effortless of me trying so hard to ease things away about you. I kept telling myself to focus, stop thinking about nonsense and about you but what’s the point when I am missing you even more each and every day when I am here. But what’s the point if I able to see you there although I dare not even confess my feelings to you. Every time when I see you, my mouth just couldn’t mumble a single word about my feelings to you. I just got paralyzed by you,….the cheerful and a smile on my face you see always, is just a way of me hiding all these from you. I guess the best time being around with you would be walking under rain. I got this inspiration from a personal message from someone, ‘I love walking under the rain as you would not able to differentiate my tears or rain that drop on my face’,….

Gosh I am gonna go crazy if this situation just keep dragging like this,…..such situation is like me in the deep sea of ocean alone. Not knowing what to do next. Swim or Sink?,….sometimes there is moment I try hard to swim back to the shore because of you, but sometimes I just wish to sink deep into the peaceful blue sea, just like in my facebook's status mind,...really feeling like giving up everything,...in hoping to give myself a peace of mind to forget about you. Perhaps I should really start thinking of letting go that would make my life easier but if I could just do so, easily!!!


CK ;-p

Waiting,….

Waiting,….
If I could just keep on waiting,
Waiting for your call,
Waiting for your text messages,
Waiting if you would online,
Waiting for your reply,
Waiting for your presence every day,
Waiting for your smile to brightens my day,

The feeling of waiting is torturing,
The feeling of waiting is driving me crazy,
I wonder if all these waiting, is worth waiting???
But not matter what, no matter how,
I will be waiting at all time!!!

CK ~.~

pIeCeS 4 U!!!

Here some pieces for you,…been trying hard to write something about or for you but just not in a good piece,...guess I really need to sharpen with my vocabulary for better piece for you,...these two pieces are the songs from David Archuleta (Crush & Touch My Hand),..where it really tells off feelings about me to you!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crush



I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside it was a rush, what a rush

Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me, just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away-ay-ay
Going away-ay-ay

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl?
Are we just friends? Is there more? Is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take?
Cause I believe that we can make this into
Something that will last, last forever, forever!

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do??
Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away-ay-ay
Going away-ay-ay

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Cause I've tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away-ay-ay
This crush ain't going away-ay-ay

Going away
Going away-ay-ay
Going away-ay-ay

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Touch My Hand



Saw you from a distance
Saw you from the stage
Something about the look in your eyes
Something about your beautiful face

In a sea of people
There is only you
I never knew what the song was about
But suddenly now I do

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand

Can’t let the music stop
Can’t let this feeling end
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never see you again
Can’t let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never get the chance again

I’ll never get the chance again
I’ll never get the chance again

I see the sparkle of a million flashlights
A wonderwall of stars
But the one that’s shining out so bright is the one right where you are

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand

Can’t let the music stop
Can’t let this feeling end
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never see you again
Can’t let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never get the chance again
I’ll never get the chance again

Saw you from the distance
Saw you from the stage
Something about the look in your eyes
Something about your beautiful face

Can’t let the music stop
Can’t let this feeling end
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never see you again
Can’t let the music stop
Until I touch your hand
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never get the chance again
I’ll never get the chance again

Can’t let the music stop
Can’t let this feeling end
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never see you again
Can’t let the music stop
Until I touch your hands
Cause if I do it’ll all be over, I’ll never get the chance again
I’ll never get the chance again

Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Reach out as far as you can
Only me, only you, and the band
Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand
Yeah, yeah, yeah

CK