Reflecting on my childhood years where how neglected I was by my surrounding.
Being a single family where my father passed away when I was twelve. I grew up into my teenage and adulthood without a father figure. At the same time, my mom who is a single mom had to raise two children where my elder brother is at his most rebellious and the society called back that 'most not useful person', so she focused most of her time, attention and resources to my elder brother to lift him up.
On the other hand, where me myself being seen as the obedient child who consider do fine academically is put aside without any form of support especially emotional support for growth. Sometimes, I even I had absorb the chaos and emotions from my mom as she was struggling to survive. She has no other channel but me. Not my elder brother but me. Worst still, I was taking up the role like secondary lead of the family to take care of the household matters as my mom worked to earn the income.
So after so many years even until adulthood now, the same of treatment and support I still received from my mom still the same although my elder brother had so called become successful. When I still struggle to build myself well unlike others who might already had well career and relationship, I still don't receive much support or help from my mom. I struggled so much with my career and relationship that only I realised my inner childhood is crying for help so loudly and it collapsed my entire soul, mind and body system to function well as an adult.
Slowly I realised I need to stop tolerating to such treatment. It's because I knew I should not play victim anymore. I realised I need to have refusal no to keep carrying all these adult problems that I did not create. For years and decades, I am the child in such a toxic family that is expected to absorb the chaos, manage emotions I did not caused and grew up magically fix it all. But yeah, I had already became the villain, ungrateful , difficult and the problem one in my family's eye.
I should stop chasing for validation I am never going to get any more and start giving it to myself. Thus, breaking the cycle in the family through estrangement boundarie.
It's time to really keep reminding myself that "I deserve better!!!".
