I didn’t expect
I would be writing this post a thought in my mind that been struggling and
conflicting for the past few months. Ever since I was young, I was bliss to
have grandma, aunt and my cousins to pamper me since I am the youngest among
the cousin siblings. At the age 7, my whole life entirely changed. I never knew
that the decision of my dad to move me back to KL had changed my life completely.
Without his decision, I wouldn’t be in the government primary school studying Malay
language as primary language for all the subjects instead of in the Chinese primary
school. With my dad leaving before he could even see my achievement in UPSR
result, it is another turning point in my life. I made up my decision to enter
English cluster school that shape my life and defined me of who I am now. I
never knew entering such top school with my second achievement in my PMR result
can impact me so much!!!! The leadership and social skills gained from this
school that leads to me now, to where I am now. Without all these achievements
or experiences, I wouldn’t come this far until tertiary education, my current
university and course I am studying now. I was, I am still doing well in my study and
skills achievement that I need as graduate engineer for the working world.
But at some
point, I still doubt myself. Not only the doubt in me, but doubt of where I am
now that would make my parents proud of. Knowing my dad who lack of education since
young, he would definitely be proud of my education level now. But to my mom, I
am currently feeling lost. One moment I am feeling the love from her taking
good care of me. But another moment, I feel so insecure with the lack of
support or the support that never been expressed out by her makes me feel if I am
doing it the right way. It seems like everything I did or said to her is
meaningless and nothing special to her. The hard work I been doing for my
study, my family, my home and my life seem useless to her eyes. Sometimes, like I feel she never seems to
appreciate all my hard work. My brother on the hand, never seem to put much
effort to the family in the early years make me envy and jealous of his life
and mom’s treatment to him. Mom always been treating brother like a prince of
the house, fulfilling every request from him since young, and never been
nagging him for not helping out in the family. It is a total opposite treatment
to me. Why my mom needs to be so hard to me? Why she can be so unfair? Why I am
always the one need to help out with chores and obeys everything said in the
family? With much freedom given fairly to both of us, I still not feeling the
freedom with the limitation given by mom compares to my brother. It is like he
just can be and do anything, limitless freedom, but to me, I still have
limitation in being or doing what I want. Even when we were infants in her
womb, there is a huge difference in us. My brother been getting the good
nutrients whereas I am only getting daily nasi
lemak for nutrient. How can there is such a difference in us? We both are
her children, but the treatment, the sickness (cataract and skin sensitive
since young, glaucoma in recent years) where my brother is completely flawless
and healthy and evens the look is so different!!! My brother and I are
completely of two different looks. If we walk out to the public, any strangers could not even recognize us as brothers. With all these, I have this silly thought of me,
and my brother is not biological related or even worst, I am thinking I might
be adopted son. I don’t know why; I would have such thought. But it is really
these doubts in me that bugged my mind over recent months. I wonder when these thought of doubts in me
will be clear!? I just hope what I think in my mind would not be a reality and
if it is true, I wonder how myself would be handle it!? ~LOST!!!~
CK @,@!!!
